


Workplace Misconduct Seminar

by Spoon888



Category: Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, Inappropriate Behavior, M/M, Making Out, Or The Complete Lack Thereof, Professionalism, Public Display of Affection, Slice of Life, Soundwave Is On The Verge Of Tears, dysfunction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:40:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28860456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoon888/pseuds/Spoon888
Summary: "I don't see why I had to come to this," Skywarp complained from the back row. "I already know how to sexually harass someone."
Relationships: implied Megatron/Starscream, implied Shockwave/Soundwave
Comments: 27
Kudos: 236





	Workplace Misconduct Seminar

"I don't see why I had to come to this," Skywarp complained from the back row. "I already know how to sexually harass someone." 

In the seat next to him, Thundercracker covered his face and slid out of sight. 

"Somehow think this might be 'bout _not_ doing that, Warp," Blitzwing called back, absurdly from his _front row_ seat, blocking several of his comrades' views. 

And even more concerning, blocking _Shockwave's_ view of _them_ , and whatever they were bound to be doing to entertain themselves during what had been pre-emptively declared a 'bore fest' by Motormaster, who was also present, and openly snoring in the middle of the conference hall, mouth open, engine revving like a chainsaw. 

"There are more ways to be bad at your job than just sexually harassing someone," Vortex twisted on his seat to join in on the conversation, proud and loud. "I would know." 

"Well _my_ workplace conduct is exemplary!" Swindle declared angrily, leaning out from behind Blitzwing to brandish the memo Soundwave had sent out that morning, currently on the screen of a gold-rimmed data-pad that obviously didn't belong to him. "Being here is gonna give my clients the wrong impression-!"

"Seminar: mandatory," Soundwave reminded him. 

"If it's so mandatory why isn't everyone here?" Ramjet was sat on the floor at Astrotrain's pedes, having failed to arrive early enough to claim himself a seat. 

Shockwave's lone optic surveyed the full conference hall, finding Ramjet's assessment incorrect. He had performed a headcount, per Soundwave's orders. "All parties are accounted for." 

"I don't see Screamer," Barricade grumped. "Or _hear_ 'im, for that matter..." 

"And we all know how you just _love_ seeing Screamer," Drag Strip stage-whispered, prompting an angry snort from his gestalt brother. 

"Yeah, and where's Megatron?" Black Out stuck his arm in the air to get Soundwave's attention. 

Shockwave met Soundwave's gaze for a moment. Between them they had prepared a list of plausible excuses (from attending injuries to foiling assassinations) for their leaders' inevitable absences. They had been hoping no one would notice. Not this early in at least. 

They turned back to their audience in union. "Lord Megatron and Commander Starscream have the authority to decide for themselves whether their presence will be necessary. It appears ...they are otherwise occupied," Shockwave explained with confident honesty. 

Someone coughed. The acoustics of the hall caused it to echo loudly. 

"Suggestion; proceed?" Soundwave urged him on from his place at the podium.

Shockwave nodded shortly, "Agreed. There is no reason to delay. We shall begin with a short presentation-"

" _Presentation_?! Frag-it, how long is this gonna take?" Astrotrain complained, slumping down his seat. Ramjet looked alarmed to find himself suddenly nestled between the triple changer's thighs. 

"The duration of this seminar will be dependent on your cooperation," Soundwave leaned over the speaker's lectern menacingly. "Be advised; I have cleared a full breem for this. You will remain all long as I deem it necessary." 

The threat of having to sit there all day and listen to whatever droll lecture they imagined he and Soundwave were to force on them was enough to silence further questions. For a time. 

"A recent flood of complaints have been logged regarding inappropriate behaviour in and out of non-recreational spaces." Shockwave began, trying to lift his voice with some measure of enthusiasm to keep their attention. But not too much. This was still a serious matter. 

He avoided looking at Blitzwing, who had begun to blink slowly, in the way of someone about to fall asleep. 

Shockwave soldiered on, keeping to the script, "This behaviour had been deemed inappropriate by the Personnel Department-"

"We have a _personnel_ department?" Skywarp shouted loudly from the far back, with a vocaliser to match his trine-leader's. 

Shockwave was reluctant to answer. "...Yes." 

"Does that mean we finally get sick days?" 

There was a click, fizz, and dull boom of the microphone activating at the lectern as Soundwave leaned into it. His stern " **No**." blared from every speaker set around the conference hall. 

It didn't dissuade Skywarp. 

"Then what's the fragging point of a personnel department?" He stood up, arms opening, "Who's running it anyway? _Tarn_?"

Like many, Shockwave knew giving Tarn any more administrative power could lead to him becoming an unstoppable power of bureaucracy. A problematic matter he and Soundwave had already spent many hours discussing. For the sake of many lives, they had decided it best not to reveal the existence of the new department to him. Ever. 

"I assigned myself the position," Shockwave admitted. 

There was a chorus of exaggerated groans and curses. The microphone squealed as Soundwave pulled it closer again. " **Silence**!" 

Silence was instantaneous.

Shockwave activated the large projector screen behind him. It lit up to reveal the first slide of the presentation, featuring nothing but an abbreviation in bold; _PDA_.

"Observe." Soundwave ordered, sweeping an arm back with flourish, as if his poor impression of a magician's assistant could breathe any life into what even Shockwave knew was about to be the most boring discussion imaginable. And _he_ had been on the senate. 

"What does 'PDA' stand for?" Breakdown asked. 

"It means Professional Detective Agency," Onslaught declared before Shockwave could explain, with an underling hint of panic to his voice. "We're not bringing a detective to look into misconduct, are we? Cause -cause I only looked at Dirge's aft for a _second_ and Soundwave's not allowed to eavesdrop on what we're thinking during off-shift hours!"

"Calm down, idiot," Scrapper grunted. "It stands for Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia. It's what Scavenger has." 

"No, it's not!" Scavenger shouted from the very edge of the conference hall, wedged tightly into the corner. 

"Public Displays of Affection," Shockwave corrected before the guessing got of control, quieting the chatter. "And it will be what the first of our seminars centres on today." 

Skywarp started laughing, slapping Thundrcracker's shoulder vent to get his attention. "Ha! Who's going around being affectionate? _Gross_ -"

Shockwave changed the slide to show a bullet-pointed list of activities deemed inappropriate. The text was quite small, as there had been a lot to write. Astrotrain took out a pair of tiny glasses and leaned forwards with a squint to read, his chest knocking the top of Ramjet's conehead. 

" **There is to be no kissing-** " Soundwave's vocaliser blared through the microphone menacingly, starting from the top of the list. 

"-Groping," Shockwave followed his lead, though at a much more manageable volume. 

"- **Wing play** ," Soundwave only seemed to be getting louder. 

"-Aft slapping," Shockwave read the next one. 

"What about hand holding?" Thrust burst out. "Cuz _that's_ disgusting. Thundecracker and Skywarp are always clinging to each other like a couple of love-sick Autobots-"

"Shut up, Thrust! We're practicing our chirolinguistics!" Skywarp jumped to his feet angrily. Thundercracker's hand appeared, frantically trying to pull him back down. 

"Never knew _kissing each others knuckles_ was such a big part of the language, Warp," Thrust sneered back. 

Shockwave looked to Soundwave for a verdict. After a nod of agreement, Shockwave took out a light-pen and added 'hand holding' to the list.

Skywarp used a very different sort of hand-language at Thrust in response. 

"Any more to add?" Shockwave asked openly, hoping to prevent further interruptions.

"Sitting on someone's lap-" Blitzwing began angrily. "-In the middle of the war councils. And whispering in their ear. And then _laughing_!"

It was unnecessarily specific. Soundwave nodded acceptingly, doing a commendable job of pretending not to know who Blitzwing was talking about-

-when Mixmaster raised his hand and removed all doubt. 

"Does it count as PDA if your superiors used your lab to interface in the middle of the day shift because they thought it was empty but really you were just stood in the supply cupboard and then you had to stay hidden in there for over an hour listening to them clang because if you came out in the middle of it you knew you'd get fusion cannoned?" Mixmaster stopped to suck in a much needed breath. "Because I want that to stop happening." 

An entire conference hall of mechs stared at him. 

"...It _keeps_ happening," Mixmaster finished softly. 

"No, It does not count as PDA," Shockwave managed. "As it did not take place publicly. But it is gross miscon-"

"Hey! I have a complaint," Wildrider decided to speak up, filling in for Motormaster (still asleep) as the Stunticon's token disrupter. "That the two worst offenders for this PDA thing aren't even attending this dumb seminar-"

"Complaints must be logged confidentially," Shockwave tried. 

"So _I_ can't hold TC's hand but Screamer's allowed to bend himself over Mix's lab station before the mid-morning briefing?!" Skywarp was yelling across the conference hall again. 

" **Negative** ," Soundwave had hold of the microphone again. " **Interfacing outside individual private quarters is prohibited _."_**

"Not everyone has their own cosy little habsuite, Soundwave!" Skywarp continued to argue, "Some of us live in _barracks_ , and have to frag with weirdos like Dirge watching." 

The accusation erupted into a huge cross-trine argument as seekers hurled insults and excuses and petty complaints at each other. Shockwave's audials filtered out the worst of the profanity, but that only made it so much easier for him to notice Blitzwing trying to subtly draw his attention. 

"Psst! Shockwave, hey, Shockwave?" 

Shockwave regrettably turned to face him. 

Blitzwing flashed him a charming smile, "There any chance I can get a transfer into those air barracks?" 

Shockwave swivelled around to face Soundwave, despairing. His counterpart's concealed face gave no indication of the similar exhaustion Soundwave was bound to be feeling. They should have really seen this coming. Any attempt to tackle social issues within their ranks only ever made things worse. 

They should have learnt this from their previous failure; the conflict resolution sessions between Megatron and Starscream, which had solved the assassination attempts, but resulted in-

Right on cue, the conference hall doors burst open and the remaining two members of their fraction stumbled in, entangled in each other. Their loud entrance muted the faction-wide argument instantly and so there was, tragically, no competing noise to muffle the obscene sounds of gasping mouths and clanking armour as Megatron and Starscream blindly bumped into every available surface on their way in, apparently too enraptured in each other to notice their audience. 

Shockwave stared. Disappointed. Unsurprised. 

Tired. 

Soundwave leaned into the microphone, " **Dismissed** ," he droned apathetically. There was no other way to feel about it. 

Subdued Decepticons began to awkwardly file out of the conference room, darting around their superiors as Megatron finally made it to the centre of the conference hall floor and began to bully Starscream up onto the desk there. 

Shockwave made a gesture to hurry the stragglers along. 

" _Megatron~_ " 

Soundwave paused only to grab an awed and staring Frenzy by his scruff bar before bringing up the rear of their fleeing subordinates. Shockwave was a gentleman, so he held the door for his comrade. Soundwave gave him a short, formal nod of thanks as he passed through, which made the chivalry entirely worth it. 

"Frag! Oh frag _yes_ , Megatron-!"

Shockwave's delay was costing him. He quickly shut the door. 

Still worth it. 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Decepticon Justice... Department?!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29882973) by [Metanoiac](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metanoiac/pseuds/Metanoiac)




End file.
